Maintaining honest communication and maneuvering conflict is never easy, so sometimes people may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to get a point across. Passive aggression is finding a way of expressing negative feelings or concerns, such as frustration or annoyance, in an indirect way. Passive aggression can be difficult to classify and has the potential to corrode personal and working relationships.

Psychology Today takes the direct approach in their “Passive-Aggression” article to demonstrate what the behavior is and how it can take shape. Passive-aggressiveness can be a tricky beast to identify and correct because people acting passive-aggressive may not always realize they are doing it. Sometimes if something bothers a person, such as dusty shoes left in the middle of the floor in a roommate scenario, the instinct may be to suppress their anger to keep the peace. Repeated annoyances such as this inevitably build pressure like a tea kettle on high heat, readying to let out an ear-piercing whistle. But often, in an effort to avoid potential conflict, the peeved roommate might scoop up the offending shoes and put them next to their roommate’s door with a note like “Here are your shoes.”

The trouble with this fractured communication style is that the other party, the one in this case with the forgotten sneakers in the community space, may very well be unaware that this habit of theirs is causing a rift. Passive-aggressiveness often involves sending confusing messages coated in saccharin sweetness that the intended recipient may or may not be able to properly decode. More often than not, a polite but assertive, clear request earlier on in the conflict will resolve a problem before it truly gets a chance to start. 

Forms of Passive Aggression

So how do you know if you or someone you interact with is acting passive-aggressive? Psychology Today published an article referencing a fascinating 2022 study published in Behavioral Sciences that essentially created a Passive Aggression Scale based on “21 Questions to Identify a Passive-Aggressive Person.” It’s a noteworthy detail to remark that the original study was conducted in South Korea, because a culture that prioritizes public politeness might very well lead to passive aggression if healthy outlets do not seem possible.

Follow the link to review the full list, but the idea was to gauge participants’ levels of passive aggressiveness overall while examining three common traits related to the behavior: inducing criticism, avoidance/ignoring and sabotage. Each question is answered on a scale from “not at all true” to “very true”. A few example questions include:

  • “I intentionally reveal embarrassing events or the dark pasts of someone I dislike or find uncomfortable in public.”
  • “I give someone I dislike or find uncomfortable the silent treatment.”
  • “When someone I dislike or find uncomfortable asks me for a favor, I don’t give it my all and do a sloppy job.”

This list of questions can serve as a good litmus test to compare yourself to or to gauge interactions with others. Try to answer the questions as objectively as possible. Three common forms of subtle passive aggression that you may notice in yourself or others can be diminished eye contact, ignoring someone in a group discussion and persistent, deliberate forgetting of discussed priorities. However, keep in mind that some people may have other reasons for coming off as passive aggressive, such as neurodivergence, social anxiety or autism. Don’t be too quick to judge and try to get the full picture if you can.

Coping with Passive-Aggressive People

 You feel that you are dealing with some passive-aggressive behavior from those around you. How best to respond? Often that depends on where the root cause of the issue lies that is causing the person distress and to lash out passively. Is the person angry, sad or insecure? Are they aware of their off-putting behavior, or is it a self-protective reflex? It is always helpful to try to see things from the other person’s point of view during a potential conflict in order to come to a resolution. Showing empathy for the other person is helpful, but don’t apologize for unfounded or perceived offenses in an effort to placate them.

It is tempting to respond back to a passive-aggressive person in a similar passive-aggressive or even openly hostile manner, but often anger only begets anger. When possible, a cooling off period or limiting time around the passive-aggressive person can be a good idea. In situations such as work or familial obligations where an honest conversation needs to happen, avoid accusatory tones as you calmly explain how you have perceived the situation and how it makes you feel. The idea is to hold the person accountable while not allowing them to cast you as the villain of the story. There are no heroes and no villains here, just people with different perspectives and understandings trying to find a peaceable way to co-exist. Calmly and directly address the issue at hand, being specific out what about their behavior or speech upsets you.

Maintaining composure is key when responding to passive-aggressive behavior, as this behavior can be a way of asserting control or dominance.  If you begin to act overly emotional, a passive-aggressive person will likely interpret your concerns as unworthy of true consideration. Remember to take deep breaths and even take a moment to yourself if needed. Try to fairly and directly address any concerns that are brought up. Work with the person to set clearly defined boundaries and, if need be, limit the time spent with the person to what is necessary.

In particularly intense situations, stonewalling may occur. This means the other person refuses to communicate or respond altogether, perhaps pretending to be too busy in order to avoid you. In this case, all that can be done is to stay calm and attempt to validate their feelings, leaving the door open metaphorically for them to open up to you when ready. In a work situation or familial situation where communication will be required to move forward, a professional meditator, supervisor or therapist may be needed.

The mind is a complex system and it is impossible to know how our actions are perceived at all times. Do your best to communicate compassionately and directly with others, and often that is the response you will receive in return.

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